I Try

I woke up this morning hoping for some clarity. Was up tossing and turning all night. Been dealing with something that gnaws at my soul everyday. Well I put it in Gods hands early this morning. I let go and said "Your will be done." Sadly I did not get the result I was hoping for this morning. I got something even better.

Instead of being upset, the first thing that popped into my head was that song "I Try" by Mary Mary. I have no clue why. And all morning I've been on a spiritual treasure hunt. Digging up my favorite gospel music and breaking down into tears of joy and spiritual break through. It's an odd feeling but I love it.

I heard the Lord speak to me, which doesn't happen often. I usually block Him out, or have so much going on that I can't hear His voice calling out to me. Well I heard Him loud and clear this time, "Cut the crap Sharde!" I can be very generous. I give much of myself to others, but I haven't been giving God what He asks for. He gave us His only son and I haven't given him anything in return. He doesn't want us to be perfect, instead, all we need to do is try.

My spiritual life has been so very stagnant over the past few years. I have spurts of clarity every now and then, but I haven't really been trying. I put my own temporary needs first. Loneliness consumes me and I look for quick fixes instead of turning my life back to God and searching for strength to get me through the hard times.

I can be a very stubborn individual and an even bigger procrastinator. I now that God will take me back whenever I'm ready and unfortunately I take advantage of that. But I just need to stop and surrender to His will. It's so hard though. The worst part is the first part. Confessing. Even though God knows all that I've done, it's so hard to speak the words out loud and admit all my sins.

And yet here I am. At this crossroads. Ready to give it all up because the only thing that comes from me living my life my way is pain. I figure I need to try something different and maybe I'll have better results. So Lord I am doing my best to surrender my life to you.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.