Six years ago I got trapped in Satan's Web like a fly facing it's demise. I just laid there lifeless, hopeless, helpless, dead. Like a servant on the Flying Dutchman I became apart of Satan's world and it became a part of me. I had spurts of life here and there, never lasting more than several months and I always ended right back in that web. It felt like I was doomed. Like I had met my fate and there was nothing I could do about it. Useless, dead, and blind.
A short time ago someone came along and woke me up. He opened my eyes and said, "Run Sharde. You don't have to stay here." Slowly, I started to see the truth. I had the power to loosen the web that had been suffocating me for so long. I started running and piece by piece that web started detangling. Day by day the strings began to fall one after another. The harder I run the faster I can go.
I am still somewhat tangled, but I am regaing control over my life. My hope has been restored. My life is coming back and I am breathing much easier now. Before you know it, I will be completely free from Satan's web of sin, lies, pain, and doubt. Soon I will be able to fly again.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Monday, January 18, 2010
Why?
Men always want to call a woman bitter as soon as she shows any kind of attitude or disdain towards him. If we so much as frown at something a man does we're just bitter bitches. And it's always "Why are you so mean?" "Why are you so bitter?" "What's wrong with you?" So I decided to write a list of things in my life that have turned me into the miserable bitter bitch that I am today.
1) My dad left my mom for a younger woman, who used to be our babysitter.
2) I have been cheated on since I was 15 years old, by almost every guy I was with.
3) I've never been in a 100% honest relationship.
4) I have been choked, punched in the eye, slapped, and beat with a belt by men that I loved and gave my all to.
5) Many of my very close friends/family were raped.
6) I have been called a bitch by a complete stranger because I politely declined to give him my phone number.
7) My daughter doesn't know her father...the same man that begged me to have his baby in the first place.
8) All of my friends with kids are single mothers with abusive exs.
9) Even the men who acted like perfect gentlemen have found a way to break my heart.
10) Every man that I ever loved has left me.
Now the next time you fix your mouth to call a woman bitter or mean or miserable or a plain old bitch.....keep in mind that maybe life is what's a bitch and we are just products of it.
1) My dad left my mom for a younger woman, who used to be our babysitter.
2) I have been cheated on since I was 15 years old, by almost every guy I was with.
3) I've never been in a 100% honest relationship.
4) I have been choked, punched in the eye, slapped, and beat with a belt by men that I loved and gave my all to.
5) Many of my very close friends/family were raped.
6) I have been called a bitch by a complete stranger because I politely declined to give him my phone number.
7) My daughter doesn't know her father...the same man that begged me to have his baby in the first place.
8) All of my friends with kids are single mothers with abusive exs.
9) Even the men who acted like perfect gentlemen have found a way to break my heart.
10) Every man that I ever loved has left me.
Now the next time you fix your mouth to call a woman bitter or mean or miserable or a plain old bitch.....keep in mind that maybe life is what's a bitch and we are just products of it.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
One (a very random poem)
One tear shed
One moment spent
One friend
One heart
One life time
One mistake
One chance
One more
One more
One more
One too many
One decision
One regret
One day
One smile
One memory
One goodbye
One loss
No more
One moment spent
One friend
One heart
One life time
One mistake
One chance
One more
One more
One more
One too many
One decision
One regret
One day
One smile
One memory
One goodbye
One loss
No more
I Try
I woke up this morning hoping for some clarity. Was up tossing and turning all night. Been dealing with something that gnaws at my soul everyday. Well I put it in Gods hands early this morning. I let go and said "Your will be done." Sadly I did not get the result I was hoping for this morning. I got something even better.
Instead of being upset, the first thing that popped into my head was that song "I Try" by Mary Mary. I have no clue why. And all morning I've been on a spiritual treasure hunt. Digging up my favorite gospel music and breaking down into tears of joy and spiritual break through. It's an odd feeling but I love it.
I heard the Lord speak to me, which doesn't happen often. I usually block Him out, or have so much going on that I can't hear His voice calling out to me. Well I heard Him loud and clear this time, "Cut the crap Sharde!" I can be very generous. I give much of myself to others, but I haven't been giving God what He asks for. He gave us His only son and I haven't given him anything in return. He doesn't want us to be perfect, instead, all we need to do is try.
My spiritual life has been so very stagnant over the past few years. I have spurts of clarity every now and then, but I haven't really been trying. I put my own temporary needs first. Loneliness consumes me and I look for quick fixes instead of turning my life back to God and searching for strength to get me through the hard times.
I can be a very stubborn individual and an even bigger procrastinator. I now that God will take me back whenever I'm ready and unfortunately I take advantage of that. But I just need to stop and surrender to His will. It's so hard though. The worst part is the first part. Confessing. Even though God knows all that I've done, it's so hard to speak the words out loud and admit all my sins.
And yet here I am. At this crossroads. Ready to give it all up because the only thing that comes from me living my life my way is pain. I figure I need to try something different and maybe I'll have better results. So Lord I am doing my best to surrender my life to you.
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.
Instead of being upset, the first thing that popped into my head was that song "I Try" by Mary Mary. I have no clue why. And all morning I've been on a spiritual treasure hunt. Digging up my favorite gospel music and breaking down into tears of joy and spiritual break through. It's an odd feeling but I love it.
I heard the Lord speak to me, which doesn't happen often. I usually block Him out, or have so much going on that I can't hear His voice calling out to me. Well I heard Him loud and clear this time, "Cut the crap Sharde!" I can be very generous. I give much of myself to others, but I haven't been giving God what He asks for. He gave us His only son and I haven't given him anything in return. He doesn't want us to be perfect, instead, all we need to do is try.
My spiritual life has been so very stagnant over the past few years. I have spurts of clarity every now and then, but I haven't really been trying. I put my own temporary needs first. Loneliness consumes me and I look for quick fixes instead of turning my life back to God and searching for strength to get me through the hard times.
I can be a very stubborn individual and an even bigger procrastinator. I now that God will take me back whenever I'm ready and unfortunately I take advantage of that. But I just need to stop and surrender to His will. It's so hard though. The worst part is the first part. Confessing. Even though God knows all that I've done, it's so hard to speak the words out loud and admit all my sins.
And yet here I am. At this crossroads. Ready to give it all up because the only thing that comes from me living my life my way is pain. I figure I need to try something different and maybe I'll have better results. So Lord I am doing my best to surrender my life to you.
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Fatherless Part 2
I deal with alot of ups and downs in my life. I've had heart ache and lost some people that I really love. But I have to say the saddest thing and hardest for me to deal with is the fact that my daughter has no daddy. Of course she has a father. His name is Bryan, what a S.O.B. But she's never met him and he doesn't really care to meet her.
I was watching a movie this morning and it had me thinking about Payton's situation. Luckily she is only one and can't fully comprehend what's going on. She knows he's not around though. She's seen her brother's daddy come and pick him up and a few of my friends playing with their kids. She knows daddies exist and knows that she doesn't have one. I just dread the day when she figures it all out. And I'm not the type to lie to my kids either. If she asks any questions I will tell her the truth.
And in the meantime, we struggle. This economy sucks and I can't find a good paying job to save my life. But her father makes $45,000 a year and doesn't help. Don't believe me? Google Bryan Christopher Hilburn and it's the first link that comes up....his annual income in the Washington Post. Sad. When we were dating he was giving his ex-wife $800 a month for their son. I'd be happy if the bastard gave me $50.
And honestly it's not the money really. His presence in her life is far more valuable. He's never held her, never kissed her good night. The nigga won't even say her name. When he pretends to care he just says "how's she doing" or "where's the kid" No love in his words.
If I didn't love my daughter so much I would show up at his door and drop her off. Tell him to deal with it. It's so sad that most men won't understand what single mothers go though. It's like because they came out of us, we're the ones who have to take care of our babies. We're stuck with them no matter what. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids. I just think it's fucked up that dads seem to have a "get out of jail free" card just because they are detached from jump. It's bad enough we're the only ones that pay during the nine months of pregnancy. It's supposed to be better once the child is born and the responsibilities can be shared.
On top of all that, the government needs to step it up and make these men take responsibility. IT takes two to tango, two to have sex, two to go without a condom or birth control. Two people make the decision to have a baby whether by wanting one or by not using protection. And yet they let these men live their lives, while we struggle and are persecuted for putting ourselves in this situation. Even if a man says he wants a baby, as soon as he changes his mind, the government would rather us rush to the clinic and kill it.
I wanted to establish paternity in order to put my ex on child support. I filled out the nosey ass paper work that asks everything about your private sexual life around the time the child was conceived. They came back and told me they couldn't help because my daughter was conceived in the state of Virginia and it's "out of their jurisdiction." That had to be the lamest shit I heard in my life. So until I can track this nigga down myself and afford a test and convince him to take it, I"m S.O.L.
Niggas out there are just plain old trife and they really need to take care of their damn kids....it's that simple!
I was watching a movie this morning and it had me thinking about Payton's situation. Luckily she is only one and can't fully comprehend what's going on. She knows he's not around though. She's seen her brother's daddy come and pick him up and a few of my friends playing with their kids. She knows daddies exist and knows that she doesn't have one. I just dread the day when she figures it all out. And I'm not the type to lie to my kids either. If she asks any questions I will tell her the truth.
And in the meantime, we struggle. This economy sucks and I can't find a good paying job to save my life. But her father makes $45,000 a year and doesn't help. Don't believe me? Google Bryan Christopher Hilburn and it's the first link that comes up....his annual income in the Washington Post. Sad. When we were dating he was giving his ex-wife $800 a month for their son. I'd be happy if the bastard gave me $50.
And honestly it's not the money really. His presence in her life is far more valuable. He's never held her, never kissed her good night. The nigga won't even say her name. When he pretends to care he just says "how's she doing" or "where's the kid" No love in his words.
If I didn't love my daughter so much I would show up at his door and drop her off. Tell him to deal with it. It's so sad that most men won't understand what single mothers go though. It's like because they came out of us, we're the ones who have to take care of our babies. We're stuck with them no matter what. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids. I just think it's fucked up that dads seem to have a "get out of jail free" card just because they are detached from jump. It's bad enough we're the only ones that pay during the nine months of pregnancy. It's supposed to be better once the child is born and the responsibilities can be shared.
On top of all that, the government needs to step it up and make these men take responsibility. IT takes two to tango, two to have sex, two to go without a condom or birth control. Two people make the decision to have a baby whether by wanting one or by not using protection. And yet they let these men live their lives, while we struggle and are persecuted for putting ourselves in this situation. Even if a man says he wants a baby, as soon as he changes his mind, the government would rather us rush to the clinic and kill it.
I wanted to establish paternity in order to put my ex on child support. I filled out the nosey ass paper work that asks everything about your private sexual life around the time the child was conceived. They came back and told me they couldn't help because my daughter was conceived in the state of Virginia and it's "out of their jurisdiction." That had to be the lamest shit I heard in my life. So until I can track this nigga down myself and afford a test and convince him to take it, I"m S.O.L.
Niggas out there are just plain old trife and they really need to take care of their damn kids....it's that simple!
Saturday, December 12, 2009
No Home Training
I am growing weary of the tacky ass females I see parading themselves around town. I might not be that prudent, but these girls would make me look like Mother Theresa. I went out last night with my girl and came across a couple of these girls. Now I had on a sweater dress with leggings and boots. My homegirl had on jeans with a tank top and stilettos. Both of us had on coats. These girls walk in and good Lord! Me and my girl didn't have to say a word to know we were thinking the same thing. One girl had on booty shorts and a netted shirt with some knee high fishnet socks and heels too small for her feet. The other girl had on jeans and a sleeveless shirt with the back half out. Neither were wearing any kind of coat.
Now this is the middle of December in Portland, OR mind you. And on top of that, the forecast had been calling for a snow storm. So these heffas walk in half naked looking like they were just selling couchie on 82nd Ave. Of course all eyes on them. Then they start dancing and it was the nasty thing I've seen. Now I dance and I can get freaky, but they were doing a bit too much. Those are the type of girls that don't know the difference between sexy and skanky.
Needless to say men came up and danced with them. Had them up against the pole or picked them up and let the ladies....and I use that term loosely...straddle them as they gyrated mid air. I did see a few numbers exchanged, never saw anyone buy them a drink, didn't see many conversations going on either. The only things that came to mind was, yeah they'll get fucked, but that's about it.
And I really hope those of you reading this don't think this is written out of hate. I myself didn't have to buy a single drink all night and still managed to get drunk. I got some many numbers in my phone that I don't know who they belong to and I even had a guy try to get me to come over this morning cuz he cooked me breakfast...without having to have sex with him. I get my share of play no matter what I have on. I'm just saying that when females go somewhere looking like little whores, they can't expect much but to get laid. And To those females please don't be the example. I pray men don't use them as any sort of rule or standard because they fall far below the standard of womanhood.
But ti is those same girls that will fuck it up for all of us. Niggas look over at them practically humping on the dance floor and think they can snatch you up and bend you over. Sorry boo boo, not happening. And they see how men can just cop a feel on the skanky ones and think we're gonna just let their hands wander to our private places. It's maddening.
Anyway I'm just venting. It's annoying that these broads out here have no home training and carry themselves in such disgusting ways. Put some damn clothes on and stop auditioning for the Sugar Shack at the club.
Now this is the middle of December in Portland, OR mind you. And on top of that, the forecast had been calling for a snow storm. So these heffas walk in half naked looking like they were just selling couchie on 82nd Ave. Of course all eyes on them. Then they start dancing and it was the nasty thing I've seen. Now I dance and I can get freaky, but they were doing a bit too much. Those are the type of girls that don't know the difference between sexy and skanky.
Needless to say men came up and danced with them. Had them up against the pole or picked them up and let the ladies....and I use that term loosely...straddle them as they gyrated mid air. I did see a few numbers exchanged, never saw anyone buy them a drink, didn't see many conversations going on either. The only things that came to mind was, yeah they'll get fucked, but that's about it.
And I really hope those of you reading this don't think this is written out of hate. I myself didn't have to buy a single drink all night and still managed to get drunk. I got some many numbers in my phone that I don't know who they belong to and I even had a guy try to get me to come over this morning cuz he cooked me breakfast...without having to have sex with him. I get my share of play no matter what I have on. I'm just saying that when females go somewhere looking like little whores, they can't expect much but to get laid. And To those females please don't be the example. I pray men don't use them as any sort of rule or standard because they fall far below the standard of womanhood.
But ti is those same girls that will fuck it up for all of us. Niggas look over at them practically humping on the dance floor and think they can snatch you up and bend you over. Sorry boo boo, not happening. And they see how men can just cop a feel on the skanky ones and think we're gonna just let their hands wander to our private places. It's maddening.
Anyway I'm just venting. It's annoying that these broads out here have no home training and carry themselves in such disgusting ways. Put some damn clothes on and stop auditioning for the Sugar Shack at the club.
Friday, December 11, 2009
Infatuation
When you meet someone and you have that automatic chemistry it's sometimes hard to define the way you feel. Do you like the person, are you falling in love, is it more of a friendship vibe or leaning towards romance? And then where do you go from there? Once you figure out how you feel about a person how do you harness those feelings and make room for growth?
It's a shitty little place to be in. Relationship limbo as I call it. Weighing risks and feelings, pros and cons, lust and emotions. It's all bad. And if you just let go and be yourself, maybe you give off too much or not enough. It's enough to make you scream at times.
So what should I do? Let go and just live in the moment. Tell the person exactly how I feel. Hold back until I feel safe and know how they feel as well. Then there's the trust issues. Do I believe what he says or what I hear from everyone else? And am I feeling this way for real or because I feel like my family is pressuring me to fall for the guy. It's all so crazy. And I know you're reading this so don't get a big head. This is just what's on my mind and I write to sort out my thoughts...lol.
I think I'm going to step back and just let things happen. I like how things are right now and I don't want to think too hard and confuse myself. There are things I want that aren't happening, but I have to let things progress at their own pace. This is truly a challenge for me because for the first time I want to do things the right way. Make room for genuineness and the Lord. With those things as a foundation you can't go wrong and can't be upset with the outcome whatever it may be because it's all for a reason and even if you don't understand what it is now, you'll learn and grow eventually.
It's a shitty little place to be in. Relationship limbo as I call it. Weighing risks and feelings, pros and cons, lust and emotions. It's all bad. And if you just let go and be yourself, maybe you give off too much or not enough. It's enough to make you scream at times.
So what should I do? Let go and just live in the moment. Tell the person exactly how I feel. Hold back until I feel safe and know how they feel as well. Then there's the trust issues. Do I believe what he says or what I hear from everyone else? And am I feeling this way for real or because I feel like my family is pressuring me to fall for the guy. It's all so crazy. And I know you're reading this so don't get a big head. This is just what's on my mind and I write to sort out my thoughts...lol.
I think I'm going to step back and just let things happen. I like how things are right now and I don't want to think too hard and confuse myself. There are things I want that aren't happening, but I have to let things progress at their own pace. This is truly a challenge for me because for the first time I want to do things the right way. Make room for genuineness and the Lord. With those things as a foundation you can't go wrong and can't be upset with the outcome whatever it may be because it's all for a reason and even if you don't understand what it is now, you'll learn and grow eventually.
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