Epiphany

Bare with me, I'm having a "Sharde" moment. :-/

So I was watching a bunch of sappy BS tonight and I came to an odd realization about myself. I don't cry during the sad heartbreaking moments. I do however, cry during the displays of undying true love.

Take this for an example. I was watching the last episode of The Game (aka every woman's favorite show) I was completely unmoved when Jason left Kelly dumbfounded and walked off with another woman by his side. But when Derwin and Melanie finally exchanged wedding vows, I sobbed like a baby.

As I reached for a tissue to dry my eyes and blow my nose I evaluated my abnormal reaction. I didn't cry over heartbreak, no biggie some people don't cry over TV/movies at all. But me, I cry every time I watch Armageddon and yet I had absolutely no emotional reaction to a woman being left by her husband. And I've noticed that I've kind of become immune to heart ache. I hear terrible stories about people getting cheated on or couples getting divorced and I just shrug my shoulders as if to say "C'est la vie!" I just expect things to go wrong because of what I see in my life and almost everybody around me.

And the boo hoo tears over wedding vows. Now that wouldn't be such a big deal if they were tears of joy stemmed from the beauty of love and blah blah blah. But I was actually sad...like really sad. I guess I'm coming to realize that true love is such a foreign concept to this crazy little "world of sharde."
I've never experienced true love. Sure I've loved a man or two, truly. But the love was never reciprocated. And yes I believe that one man truly loved me before, but in that case I was the one who didn't return the love.

So here I am. A 24 year old emotional mess who cries at all the wrong things and is desperately wondering if I'll ever find true love. I fear I'll just end up in another heart break scenario simply because that's all I'm used to. Well ho hum. I just had to vent write it out. Call it an overshare if you want, but that's how I roll. And when I write maybe someone out there is feeling the same way as me. :-)
Thanks for spending another random night in my bizarre little head. Good night folks.

Life As I Know It

A year ago I did not think that my life would be how it is now. So many plans have changed. So much has happened. This time last year I had just started dating someone and I thought things would have progressed and they didn't. I thought I would be going back to school and I would've had three more terms completed and that didn't happen either. I didn't plan on working a minimum wage job, but of course that is the case now.

I've had many ups and many more downs in the past year and it threw all of my goals off. My career path has changed more than once, but I think I have finally made up my mind. I attempted to go back to school more than once and I will finally start next term., Even though I was discouraged the entire time, It was for the better because I had a lot to think about and I like the conclusion I came to in the end.

I toyed with the idea of going into marketing and promotions. At one point I decided that I absolutely didn't want to become a teacher. I thought about not finishing school at all. Someone even convinced me to try out photography and I changed my mind about that as well. So now my final decision is this; I want to go into journalism, continue to take education classes, try to write for some sort of publication, and fall back on teaching if that doesn't work out.

My financial situation is better than it has been, but it still isn't what I wanted. I wanted a full time job earning more than $9/hr, but here I am getting minimum wage, working less than 20 hours a week. I took the job because I honestly do not want to be doing something I don't enjoy. I have tons of experience in office and clerical work, but I wouldn't want to sit at a desk all day long. So I'm going to continue working with kids even though it doesn't yield a decent pay check. It's actually a better decision for me because I can work in the afternoons and take classes in the mornings. Plus my financial aid can add to my income.

As far as my love life is concerned, well that's still pretty whack. I've only met a few decent guys over the past year and there's always some reason it doesn't work out. One guy was sexy, caring, and intellectual, but he still lived with his daughter's mother. Another guy was sweet, charming, and funny but he lived in another state. There was the smart and spiritual one that was too short and the older ambitious one that wasn't looking for a serious thing. And now I have this one guy. He knows how to make me laugh, knows how to hold me just right, his kisses put me on cloud nine. He's smart, well-traveled, spiritual, cares for his family. He's tall and sexy. Has just about everything a woman could ask for in a man. But his life is complicated and apparently I don't fit in there well. Quel dommage, c'est la vie.

So now what? I guess I'm just rolling with the punches. I"m taking all that I'm given and making the best out of it. We can't really plan our lives and expect to get all that we want. Instead we must pray, make the best decisions for ourselves, and trust that God will give us everything we need. When things don't end up the way we want them, just be thankful for what we have and make the best of it.

Understanding Men (older from FB)

When a man falls in love, does he feel the same way a woman does when she falls in love?

Does his heart break in the same way a woman's does?

If he's betrayed and hurt, does his heart drop to his stomach and does his body ache?

When he crushes on a girl, does he get butterflies in his stomach like we do?

Can he still remember the exact moment he fell for her?

Does he grin from ear to ear and blush when he hears his lady's voice on the phone, like we smile and turn red when our man calls?

If his woman is cheating on him, does he feel it in the pit of his stomach without any proof except the tone of her voice?

What does a man feel?

How do they deal with love and pain?

Why does it seem like they have no idea what it's like to love hard and hurt?

Superheros can read minds, but I want to know how you can read a man's heart.

To know what a man is truly feeling...too see into his heart...that would be amazing.

Maybe then women wouldn't suffer so much heart break.