I'm Grown, You're Grown, Let's Do Stupid Sh*t Together

There is a large misconception that being grown means that you can do whatever you want. Sure it’s a true statement. “I’m grown; I can do what I want.” However, if that’s your definition of being grown, there’s no difference between you and a 12 year old.  Regardless of age, we all can do whatever we want. If a 12 year old wants to have sex, they can. If they want a car, they can go steal one (trust me I knew a 12 year old who was always joy-riding in stolen cars) If they want to smoke weed and get drunk, they can just go do it. We all have free will and aside from being held accountable by God, law enforcement, and our parents, we’ve been doing whatever we want all our lives. That’s not a right we gain in adulthood.

The mentality of “I’m grown I can do what I want” is the philosophy of those who are “acting grown.” You can be 9 or 49 and act grown. It’s not earned or obtained at any particular milestone. “Being grown” on the other hand is something totally different.

Those who are actually being grown instead of just acting grown know that we have always been able to do whatever it is that we want to do. However when you are truly grown and mature, you use discernment in what you do. You also have a great deal of respect for yourself and others.

As an example, I’ve been encountered by men who have dealt with my friends or relatives, or who’s friends or relatives I’ve dealt with. They pursue me and when I decline, they’re first response is, “We’re both grown. We can do what we want.” Now of course there is absolutely nothing to stop me from lying in bed with any man who asks me to, but being grown, I have enough respect for myself and the situation to say no.  At times my reasons are too much for the average horny male to comprehend. They’re so busy acting grown that all they care about is doing what they want.

Hell I want to take a trip to Paris this summer and when I get my tax return, I will have more than enough money to purchase the ticket. But as much as I want to go to Paris, I’m not because I have responsibilities and more important things to be concerned with, like my kids and my bills. We can all act grown and go through life haphazardly, not caring about the consequences of our action (Even if our actions effect no one but ourselves) But it is much better to actually be grown, use some common sense, show respect for self and others, and make wise decisions that we won’t regret later in life.

The Comfort Zone

I ran into a good friend of mine this morning and we got to talking, catching up and what not. He was telling me about a girl that he was interested in and the situation they were in. Living together as friends, hanging out, basically "playing house" and yet she says that she sees him as just a friend.  He can't understand that and thinks she must feel something more for him based on her actions with him and that brought to mind the idea of the "comfort zone."

As we all know, women are very "interesting" creatures. A lot of times our actions don't make much sense because they don't align with what we're saying and honestly sometimes we don't even understand it ourselves. I've seen situations like this before; I've even been in them. A girl will basically do all the relationship type stuff with a man, but say they're just friends and date (or be interested in) other guys at the same time. Why is that?

Well usually this guy is nice, sweet, respectful, generous, caring....the recipe for the perfect guy. So the woman feels comfortable with him. Almost like having a gay guy friend that you can have sex with. We've got it in our heads that if we meet a "nice guy" and we date him, then we're settling. It's one of those crazy paradoxes like "Raise your standards" but "Don't be a stuck up gold-digger." So we're told "don't settle" but then we're fools for passing up the "nice guys."

We end up with the idea that actually dating the "nice guy" would be settling. We can do better. We can find a nice guy who is rich or spontaneous or noble prize winner or an MMA fighter. Our relationship appetites are really insatiable. So we don't want to settle for this "nice guy" (who's actually great) so in the mean time, we get comfortable with him. Basically use him as a guinea pig by playing house and practicing all those crazy Kama sutra positions with him. All the while painfully reminding him that he's just our friend. Even pouring salt on the wound by seeking counsel about the other guy(s) we're dealing with.

**As I write this I realize that I’m describing one of the plots from "He's Just Not That Into You" if you haven't watched it, you should**

So anyway, women will take full advantage of men in these types of situations. Sometimes we're actually denying what we really feel in fear that the relationship would be perfect (I know that sounds crazy, but then again so are women) But a lot of the time we're just using the guy. Shocking, I know. But it's like a baby and its blanket or stuffed animal. It makes us feel safe. We can have sex with our "nice guy" and know that he won't burn us (literally and figuratively) We can share our deepest thoughts with him because he's kind and smart and will give us an unbiased opinion, even if it is about the ex con you brought home after the club who is now ignoring your phone calls.

My advice to the ladies; stop overlooking these guys. One you're tired of getting dogged, they will be the first ones you'll think to run to and there's no guarantee that they'll be waiting.

My advice to the men; stop dealing with women like that. You're so much better than all that. There’s a real woman out there more deserving of a man like you.

Game Over: Sweet Baby Jesus What Happened To The Game??????????

Why Lie???

Excuse all that weird background noise.

Speak Your Mind: My thoughts on men's thoughts

Man Up Little Boy

**Christopher takes his 3 year old son CJ to the park.  He watches his little boy run around, slide down the slide, and play with all the other kids. Suddenly, CJ runs up to his father in tears.
His father asks, "What's wrong?"
CJ replies, "I fell down and hurt my knee."
"Suck it up.  Be a man and stop crying boy," is his father's response. "There's nothing wrong with you."**

**Crystal picks her 5 year old son Damon up from school.  He looks upset, so his mother asks what's wrong.
"Malik was messing with me," Damon says with tears in his eyes.  "He pushed me on the playground."
Crystal replies, "Boy stop crying, next time push his ass back.  Don't be a punk."**

Scenes like this play out in the Black community every day. Little boys are being taught by their parents to bottle up their feelings and defend themselves with aggression.  I'm sure you probably know where I'm going with this, but I'm still going to go there because we still haven't got the message.

Recently we have lost a lot of young black BOYS to violence. Boys who are barely old enough to serve in the military are losing their lives at the hands of boys barely old enough to drive a car.  It's so tragic.  It takes so much out of a community to lose a CHILD.  We weep, we cry out, we wonder why.  Everyone is looking for an answer.  How do we stop this?  How can we get to these young men?  What is the root of the problem?

There are many reasons behind the actions of these boys.  The media, peers, ignorance, but I think that the illustrations above are the root.  Like many issues of today’s youth, it stems from the home.  What they are taught (or not taught) at an early age, leads to their behavior in adolescence. We as parents, mentors, and elders need to check what we say to these young men from day one. And it really is simple.

We need to teach young black men how to deal with their feelings.  These boys are out here shooting each other because they were always told to suck it up and be a man.  We need to let these kids be kids.  A 3 year old boy is supposed to cry when he gets upset.  Don't spoil or coddle them, but don't act like something is wrong with shedding a tear.

From day one we tell little black boys to be men, stop all that crying and do something about it.  Don't come crying to your parents every time you get hurt.  How ridiculous is it to expect a toddler to act like a man?  If a child gets hurt, they cry.  If a child is upset, they cry.  There is NOTHING wrong with that.  They do not have the knowledge to fully express themselves or the power to control their surroundings.  They get frustrated and they cry.  Hell, at 25 years old, I cry when I’m frustrated.  It's natural, so we need to stop treating these little boys like its wrong.

The little boys who were forced to shut up, hit back, and deal with everything on their own when they were little, are doing just that in their teens.  They get into arguments over simple things and it ends with a dead body.  They were never taught to talk about what the problem is.  They were never taught how to problem solve.  They were never taught that it is ok to be upset, so they solve their problems in the quickest, simplest way. *BANG*

The biggest fear of a young black man is to be seen as a punk.  If he is disrespected and he walks away, he's a pussy.  If someone talks crazy to you, you have to get in his face.  If someone bumps into you, you have to bump back.  If you don't, you're weak.  And Lord knows they were never taught the art of debate.  Why argue?  Hear one thing you don't like and resort straight to violence.  All this leads to is what we see on the news every day.

So what do we do?  When our 3 year old climbs into our lap in tears, kiss his forehead, ask what’s wrong, listen, and offer a solution.  If he’s hurt, kiss the wound and say, “Don’t worry, it’ll feel better soon.”  If someone is messing with him, tell him what to SAY.  Let him know that people are going to be mean, but he doesn’t need to worry about that because he is better than that.  If you want him to act like a man, teach him how to act like man because telling him to man up will make him act like a nigga.

We all need to know that there is nothing wrong with walking away from an ignorant situation.  If someone is trying to start with you, if your friends are about to do something stupid….it is ok to leave.  You have something to work for.  You are too good to end up dead or in jail or having to watch your back every day.  All you have to do is say your peace and walk away.  There’s nothing dishonorable about that.

More than anything, these boys need to learn how to TALK things out, how to THINK things through, and how not to ACT out of anger and frustration.  And if we keep treating these babies like they have to act like men, we are going to keep failing.  The body count will increase and ignorance will continue to spread like an STD. 

I refuse to let my son follow this trend.  People already criticize the way I raise him, but I know one thing is for sure, he'll never end up with a gun in his hand trying to solve a problem.  He will have the intelligence to find a better solution and the self-worth to know he is so much greater than any of the ignorance around him.  While most people are teaching their 3 year olds to be "men," I am teaching my son how to express himself through creativity, reading and expanding his vocabulary.  I am harvesting his talents so that he stays involved in activities and out of trouble.  Call me crazy, but I love that fact that my child is a child and will be until he's an adult.

We should all want that for our babies.  Keep that in mind and pray for a better future.

Self Image

I never thought I was pretty. Growing up I was the ugly, weird, tall, skinny, four-eyed girl. And to top it all off, I was smart. I always felt out cast and boy was I ever picked on. I was never dark enough for the black folks. I was never light enough for the white folks. I was just awkward.

My mother didn't help much. She over looked a lot. My accomplishments, my beauty, my passion. All she saw were my flaws. "Your stomach looks terrible in that." "Are you really wearing that?" "Why would you wanna go do that?" Nothing positive.

Eventually, I grew into my ears, I got breast, thighs, hips. I wasn't so awkward anymore. I finally got attention from guys. I soaked it all up. Abused it at one point. I was just glad that I was wanted for once.

Now, I don't care. Some people like the way I look. Some people don't. Some people think I'm too big. Some people think my teeth aren't white enough. That my nose is too big. That I need to wax more often. I just don't care.

When I wake up and look in the mirror, I see my kids. I see my features that have been passed down to my angels. My dimples, my lips, my eyes, my complexion, my smile, my hair(when it was natural). I'm happy with me. Whether I gain 15 more lbs or if I lose 20.

People (girls especially) spend so much time caring. I spent 15 years caring about everyone else and forgot that I had to care about myself. I like me. :-)