"My girl loves to sabotage."

You know, I just love self-diagnosing myself. With all the time I spend awake at night, it’s only natural that I over-analyze my every move. And of course I was a psychologist in my former life, so there you have it. Anyhow, one of my favorite diagnoses (only because it’s so spot-on) is that I’m a habitual self-saboteur. Trust me on this one. If you know me, or have read enough of my sad little blog entries, you know it’s true.

I have single handedly ruined numerous opportunities, dreams, relationships, you name it. Something about seeing a glimmer of hope in something or someone pushes my self-destruct button. And unfortunately, I’ve learned that it’s not just me.

 Hmmm, I guess I’m not always alone. Cue violins.

Being an observant (read nosey) individual, I’ve noticed some of my friends, family, and associates unwillingly participating in the grand act of self-sabotage as well. It’s a terrible site to see. Like a train wreck. You see it coming, but there’s no way you can stop it, so you just sit in the car and scream. And it’s always at the most predictable times.

For instance, I was dating a guy and right after I realized I was falling in love with the poor bastard I started doing the dumbest things to piss him off.  Mind you, none of it was intentional. I just found myself becoming the exact opposite of the girl any guy would like. I’ll spare you the scandalous details, but it ended in us never speaking again.

And it really is the worst with relationships. Many people tend to set themselves up from the beginning. We expert self-saboteurs like to end the party before it begins. Once the communication, flirtation, etc. starts, we put ourselves into categories based off of our own judgments of ourselves.

Make that make sense real quick.

The other party involved isn’t even allowed to form their own opinion about us, they can’t decide for themselves where they want to take things, because we’ve already done it for them. Because I see myself in a certain light, I assume that men see me in a certain light so I just stand in whatever box I figure they’ll file me in. And if they look at me and see that I’ve already graciously stood there, what are they to do but accept it?

Crazy how hope leads to hopelessness, huh?

You know, I really wish I had some awesome conclusion. A moral or lesson would fit so perfectly within this last paragraph. Unfortunately, I’m not as smart as I look. These glasses really are prescription. Honestly, this is a terrible habit I have. I second guess myself, I lose faith, and I give up. Only thing I can say to that is, “Stop it Sharde!” Well, the fact that I’ve acknowledged that I have a problem is half the battle, right? Hopefully I’ll catch myself before it happens again.

I'm Back

Apes, Cocoa Butter, and Jedi Mind Tricks

So, the other night, I went with a couple of friends to a comedy show. I won't bore you with too many descriptive details, I'll just say that I could count the number of Black people on one hand....if I was born with an extra finger. Anywho, the headliner was a friend of ours. A Black guy...shocker right. But in his routine he made a joke about cocoa butter and due to the lack of pigmentation in the crowd, he had to explain it a bit.

For those of you who are confused, cocoa butter is a mosturizing lotion that Black people use. In fact the only white people I ever see use it are those with stretch marks.

So anyway the joke was made, the crowd laughed, he finished up and the show was over. Following the show, they played some improv games on stage. The first game was like Jeopardy. Someone from the audience would call out a noun (the answer) and the comedians would ask the question (the joke basically.) So we hung around a bit to listen and of course someone in the crowd (a white woman) yelled out "cocoa butter." Everyone at our table tensed a bit. I felt the temperature drop by about 10 degrees. We were on standby.

It may not have seemed like a big deal and really it wasn't. However, because of the joke my friend told and the explanation behind it that linked cocoa butter to Black people, it was kind of a low blow. But of course we weren't supposed to care. So we waited, we listened to a few of the comedians make a few lame, awkward jokes, and then (as we all knew it would) it happened. One of the comedians came up to the mic and said "What is the scientific term for ape semen?"

*vigorously rubs temples*

Now I could look at that as an innocent and highly corny joke. But I've spent almost a week trying to dissect it without it having any racist connotations to it. I can't. There is no way to make sense of that "joke" in relation to the word "cocoa butter" without linking it to Black people and I really don't think I need to explain the oh so epic connection between apes and racist ass white people who are secretly jealous of the size of Black men's penises. No wait, that's not what I meant, but you get what I was saying.

This guy just makes a racist joke and we're all supposed to just laugh at it and shrug it off. And sadly that's basically what happened. We've been so brainwashed to think that racism doesn't exist that when we witness it first hand, we get stuck. White people and their Jedi mind tricks. *waves hand* "Racism doesn't exist anymore, nigger."

In retrospect, I'm actually really disappointed in myself for not reacting differently. For not standing up and cussing his lilly white ass out, for not stomping out of the room and writing a bad review on the venue's website (wait that's my white side kicking in.) But seriously my lack of reaction baffles me. I guess we've just become that used to backhanded racism that it just doesn't phase me anymore.

And yet when a Black woman makes a video about her actual experiences in dealing with white women and the stupid things they say to Black women, its an outrage and all of a sudden Black people are the most racist people on the planet. Damn, after all white people did for us, bringing us to America, renaming us, teaching us English, impregnating us with their babies, housing us in sheds and feeding us their scraps, you think we'd be a little more appreciative.

I digress.

But anyway. I just had to share that experience with you all because I've been dwelling on it for days. Oh and be forewarned, its almost Black history month. If you know me, you know to expect many of these racially fueled rants. :-)

For the past 24 hours I’ve been conducting an experiment. I decided to take a break from Facebook and Twitter for a day. Why is this such a big deal? Have you seen mine? Yeah, I’m an addict. I’ve actually backed down from Facebook considerably since the last round of “updates” to the site, but because of that, my Twitter addiction has grown tenfold.

As you can imagine, there were many times today when I grabbed for my phone or opened up my laptop out of instinct to check my news feed and timeline. But I quickly remembered and kept my hands still. It was very very difficult. I knew this beforehand actually, so I deleted the Facebook and Twitter apps from my phone before I started my “timeout.” The notifications stopped, the temptation lessened.

I must admit, I didn’t really miss Facebook that much. Aside from the urge to check after my sister informed me that a friend of mine quoted me in a post, I really didn’t care much to break my silence. All I really do on there is post pictures anyway. So what if I missed few picture comments and invites to hoodrat functions I don’t plan on attending.

Twitter, however, oh how I’ve missed thee. That’s become such an outlet for me. It’s the main source of my socialization. So much that I only talked to 4 people in my absence. On a typical day I chat with dozens of friends and I’m definitely more aware of what’s happening in the community. A lot of times, Twitter is the first source of news for a lot of us. Unfortunately the validity of the news isn’t always that great. But news nonetheless. I personally hate watching the news on TV, so Twitter keeps me up to date.

So what exactly did I miss? Let’s see.  I came back to three mentions on twitter, four likes on pictures I’m not in by someone I don’t know, comments in my high school alumni group, sims social requests, a friend request from someone I’ve already deleted, and a like on my writer’s page, a page I no longer use. Really. That’s it.

What did I accomplish today? Well, I cleaned the kitchen, did some shopping, wrapped Christmas presents, looked at myself in the mirror for a while, cooked a bomb ass spaghetti dinner, drank two glasses of wine, played with my kids, watched some TV, and played the Sims3 for about 4 hours. The same exact things I’d do on a regular day.

Now I would say that goes to show that I can go even longer without my social networking fix. Well, yes and no. Sure I functioned the same, got the same things done. And it’s obvious that I didn’t miss anything important. However, I will say that I’ve learned that Twitter (not so much with Facebook) can be one hell of a distraction. And good or bad, sometimes distractions are needed.

On the bad side, I tend to get caught up in conversations on Twitter and when I’m mid-tweet, my kids can be virtually invisible. I always try to finish a thought before addressing anything else around me.  But on the good side, those distractions keep my mind from wandering. I spent more time in the past 24 hours thinking about nonsense than I have in forever. Ex-boos, money issues, stress, and other worries consumed my thoughts. Any other day I would just check my timeline and keep my focus on something else.

I guess when all is said and done, I see no reason to completely cut myself off from my social networking addiction. No need to join a 12 step group quite yet. I will, however, say that I might need to limit myself. I need to pay more attention to my surrounding, interact more with my friends in other ways (call, text, visit) and really just not let it consume so much of my time. I’m going to work on all that (scout’s honor) but remember, baby steps are best. Tweet ya later folks.

This is a little rant stemming from a conversation I had with a friend. I am a very open and honest person. I rarely lie and I give out information pretty freely. Most people think I share too much of my business with too many people, but really, I don’t care.

 The thing is, people have been spreading my business since I can remember. I mean the rumor mill spun a story about the loss of my virginity that got back to my mother before I got back in town the very next weekend.  So instead of letting people tell stories and mix up details, I usually try to beat them to the punch. Even if I’ve wronged a lover, I never wait to get caught. I’d rather tell on myself first.

So if you ask me a question, I most likely will give you an honest answer. No need to lie. No need to hide anything. That just reflects badly on me. See, I honestly don’t think I’m doing things much different from the rest of you. I’m just the one who’s not afraid to tell it like it is. Yup, I did that. And I liked it too.

And it’s not that I’m too trusting. Quite the opposite really. I don’t trust anyone. I figure everyone I know will do me wrong at least once, so I don’t put much faith in mere mortals. If I tell someone a secret, I have no doubt that they will tell at least one other person, who will tell one other person, who will tell one other person, yada yada yada. So if I tell one person something, In the back of my head, I know I’m telling everybody.

My lack of trust in people isn’t as negative as it seems really. I honestly think that when a person wrongs another, most of the time it’s unintentional. There aren’t too many people out there being malicious, haphazardly betraying friends and breaking hearts. They simply lose sight of anything that’s secondary to them. We’re self-centered creatures. We do what we want as long as it benefits us. And it's not really out of blatant disregard for others; we just take care of ourselves first.

With all that said, I really just do me. I don’t concern myself with what others think or what they say. I ignore the rumors, because I usually have already told the truth. And when it comes down to it, my head is clear, I don’t fear judgment, and lies, deceit, and betrayal are easily addressed, dismissed, and ignored. Maybe it’s my way of being self-centered and looking out for me, but hey, I stay smiling.

Shut Up Complaining Already

And When He Get On.....