Thursday, December 24, 2009
Instead of being upset, the first thing that popped into my head was that song "I Try" by Mary Mary. I have no clue why. And all morning I've been on a spiritual treasure hunt. Digging up my favorite gospel music and breaking down into tears of joy and spiritual break through. It's an odd feeling but I love it.
I heard the Lord speak to me, which doesn't happen often. I usually block Him out, or have so much going on that I can't hear His voice calling out to me. Well I heard Him loud and clear this time, "Cut the crap Sharde!" I can be very generous. I give much of myself to others, but I haven't been giving God what He asks for. He gave us His only son and I haven't given him anything in return. He doesn't want us to be perfect, instead, all we need to do is try.
My spiritual life has been so very stagnant over the past few years. I have spurts of clarity every now and then, but I haven't really been trying. I put my own temporary needs first. Loneliness consumes me and I look for quick fixes instead of turning my life back to God and searching for strength to get me through the hard times.
I can be a very stubborn individual and an even bigger procrastinator. I now that God will take me back whenever I'm ready and unfortunately I take advantage of that. But I just need to stop and surrender to His will. It's so hard though. The worst part is the first part. Confessing. Even though God knows all that I've done, it's so hard to speak the words out loud and admit all my sins.
And yet here I am. At this crossroads. Ready to give it all up because the only thing that comes from me living my life my way is pain. I figure I need to try something different and maybe I'll have better results. So Lord I am doing my best to surrender my life to you.
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
I was watching a movie this morning and it had me thinking about Payton's situation. Luckily she is only one and can't fully comprehend what's going on. She knows he's not around though. She's seen her brother's daddy come and pick him up and a few of my friends playing with their kids. She knows daddies exist and knows that she doesn't have one. I just dread the day when she figures it all out. And I'm not the type to lie to my kids either. If she asks any questions I will tell her the truth.
And in the meantime, we struggle. This economy sucks and I can't find a good paying job to save my life. But her father makes $45,000 a year and doesn't help. Don't believe me? Google Bryan Christopher Hilburn and it's the first link that comes up....his annual income in the Washington Post. Sad. When we were dating he was giving his ex-wife $800 a month for their son. I'd be happy if the bastard gave me $50.
And honestly it's not the money really. His presence in her life is far more valuable. He's never held her, never kissed her good night. The nigga won't even say her name. When he pretends to care he just says "how's she doing" or "where's the kid" No love in his words.
If I didn't love my daughter so much I would show up at his door and drop her off. Tell him to deal with it. It's so sad that most men won't understand what single mothers go though. It's like because they came out of us, we're the ones who have to take care of our babies. We're stuck with them no matter what. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids. I just think it's fucked up that dads seem to have a "get out of jail free" card just because they are detached from jump. It's bad enough we're the only ones that pay during the nine months of pregnancy. It's supposed to be better once the child is born and the responsibilities can be shared.
On top of all that, the government needs to step it up and make these men take responsibility. IT takes two to tango, two to have sex, two to go without a condom or birth control. Two people make the decision to have a baby whether by wanting one or by not using protection. And yet they let these men live their lives, while we struggle and are persecuted for putting ourselves in this situation. Even if a man says he wants a baby, as soon as he changes his mind, the government would rather us rush to the clinic and kill it.
I wanted to establish paternity in order to put my ex on child support. I filled out the nosey ass paper work that asks everything about your private sexual life around the time the child was conceived. They came back and told me they couldn't help because my daughter was conceived in the state of Virginia and it's "out of their jurisdiction." That had to be the lamest shit I heard in my life. So until I can track this nigga down myself and afford a test and convince him to take it, I"m S.O.L.
Niggas out there are just plain old trife and they really need to take care of their damn kids....it's that simple!
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Now this is the middle of December in Portland, OR mind you. And on top of that, the forecast had been calling for a snow storm. So these heffas walk in half naked looking like they were just selling couchie on 82nd Ave. Of course all eyes on them. Then they start dancing and it was the nasty thing I've seen. Now I dance and I can get freaky, but they were doing a bit too much. Those are the type of girls that don't know the difference between sexy and skanky.
Needless to say men came up and danced with them. Had them up against the pole or picked them up and let the ladies....and I use that term loosely...straddle them as they gyrated mid air. I did see a few numbers exchanged, never saw anyone buy them a drink, didn't see many conversations going on either. The only things that came to mind was, yeah they'll get fucked, but that's about it.
And I really hope those of you reading this don't think this is written out of hate. I myself didn't have to buy a single drink all night and still managed to get drunk. I got some many numbers in my phone that I don't know who they belong to and I even had a guy try to get me to come over this morning cuz he cooked me breakfast...without having to have sex with him. I get my share of play no matter what I have on. I'm just saying that when females go somewhere looking like little whores, they can't expect much but to get laid. And To those females please don't be the example. I pray men don't use them as any sort of rule or standard because they fall far below the standard of womanhood.
But ti is those same girls that will fuck it up for all of us. Niggas look over at them practically humping on the dance floor and think they can snatch you up and bend you over. Sorry boo boo, not happening. And they see how men can just cop a feel on the skanky ones and think we're gonna just let their hands wander to our private places. It's maddening.
Anyway I'm just venting. It's annoying that these broads out here have no home training and carry themselves in such disgusting ways. Put some damn clothes on and stop auditioning for the Sugar Shack at the club.
Friday, December 11, 2009
It's a shitty little place to be in. Relationship limbo as I call it. Weighing risks and feelings, pros and cons, lust and emotions. It's all bad. And if you just let go and be yourself, maybe you give off too much or not enough. It's enough to make you scream at times.
So what should I do? Let go and just live in the moment. Tell the person exactly how I feel. Hold back until I feel safe and know how they feel as well. Then there's the trust issues. Do I believe what he says or what I hear from everyone else? And am I feeling this way for real or because I feel like my family is pressuring me to fall for the guy. It's all so crazy. And I know you're reading this so don't get a big head. This is just what's on my mind and I write to sort out my thoughts...lol.
I think I'm going to step back and just let things happen. I like how things are right now and I don't want to think too hard and confuse myself. There are things I want that aren't happening, but I have to let things progress at their own pace. This is truly a challenge for me because for the first time I want to do things the right way. Make room for genuineness and the Lord. With those things as a foundation you can't go wrong and can't be upset with the outcome whatever it may be because it's all for a reason and even if you don't understand what it is now, you'll learn and grow eventually.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
I've had many ups and many more downs in the past year and it threw all of my goals off. My career path has changed more than once, but I think I have finally made up my mind. I attempted to go back to school more than once and I will finally start next term., Even though I was discouraged the entire time, It was for the better because I had a lot to think about and I like the conclusion I came to in the end.
I toyed with the idea of going into marketing and promotions. At one point I decided that I absolutely didn't want to become a teacher. I thought about not finishing school at all. Someone even convinced me to try out photography and I changed my mind about that as well. So now my final decision is this; I want to go into journalism, continue to take education classes, try to write for some sort of publication, and fall back on teaching if that doesn't work out.
My financial situation is better than it has been, but it still isn't what I wanted. I wanted a full time job earning more than $9/hr, but here I am getting minimum wage, working less than 20 hours a week. I took the job because I honestly do not want to be doing something I don't enjoy. I have tons of experience in office and clerical work, but I wouldn't want to sit at a desk all day long. So I'm going to continue working with kids even though it doesn't yield a decent pay check. It's actually a better decision for me because I can work in the afternoons and take classes in the mornings. Plus my financial aid can add to my income.
As far as my love life is concerned, well that's still pretty whack. I've only met a few decent guys over the past year and there's always some reason it doesn't work out. One guy was sexy, caring, and intellectual, but he still lived with his daughter's mother. Another guy was sweet, charming, and funny but he lived in another state. There was the smart and spiritual one that was too short and the older ambitious one that wasn't looking for a serious thing. And now I have this one guy. He knows how to make me laugh, knows how to hold me just right, his kisses put me on cloud nine. He's smart, well-traveled, spiritual, cares for his family. He's tall and sexy. Has just about everything a woman could ask for in a man. But his life is complicated and apparently I don't fit in there well. Quel dommage, c'est la vie.
So now what? I guess I'm just rolling with the punches. I"m taking all that I'm given and making the best out of it. We can't really plan our lives and expect to get all that we want. Instead we must pray, make the best decisions for ourselves, and trust that God will give us everything we need. When things don't end up the way we want them, just be thankful for what we have and make the best of it.
Toss, turn, stretch
A bottle of wine
Light one up
Kick, punch, throw
Toss, turn, kick, punch
Want, need, fiend
Please Lord let me sleep!
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
I spent elementary school in predominately white schools in southern California and Beaverton, OR. Most of the time, myself and my family were the only black people around. So to those white folks I was just another black girl. They were way too interested in my hair and our family traditions. I was constantly asked questions like black people were aliens and they had no idea that we had so much in common. It drove me nuts. I was even called a Nigger at one point, sadly by one of my white distant cousins. What ever the case was I was "that black girl" until I was about 10 and we moved to Portland, OR.
In 1996 I was plucked out of white America and deposited into NE Portland. We lived a few blocks from a park we couldn’t even play in because at the time the gang violence was just coming to an end. So, when I started the 5th grade at a predominately black school, I wasn't black enough. I was already a target for a lot of the girls because I was light skinned and I know it's hard for people to understand that it isn't all roses for light skinned girls (more on that another time.) And I was extremely intelligent. Unfortunately I think going to predominately white schools gave me a better education because we all know the government doesn't care about poor little black kids receiving the proper tools for life. I used proper English when I spoke and listened to different kids of music. Plain and simple I was different and that chalked up to me "acting white."
So at 10 years old I was bullied and teased, sometimes by my own family. And even in middle school I had a hard time fitting in so I hung out with more than one group of friends. I like to call it clique hopping and I did the same in high school. I had one group of white friends that I could hang out with, listen to pop and alternative music with. Then I had my black friends I used to dance with and listen to r&b and hip-hop with. It was crazy because I felt like I was living a double life. It actually caused a lot of stress on my relationships because I had to juggle my friends. I saw it as a bad thing, but in my older years I see the benefits.
Now I am a chameleon and when it comes to networking it is very beneficial. I can mix with many different crowds and accomplish a lot. In the business world I know that my education helps me land interviews and my well-rounded personality helps get me jobs. There aren't too many people that can say they find nothing in common with me. It's actually kind of fun. So to any young folks out there that feel like they aren't black enough or they're too black or what ever the case may be. Hold your head up and just be you because it will make you a better person in the end.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
When a man falls in love, does he feel the same way a woman does when she falls in love?
Does his heart break in the same way a woman's does?
If he's betrayed and hurt, does his heart drop to his stomach and does his body ache?
When he crushes on a girl, does he get butterflies in his stomach like we do?
Can he still remember the exact moment he fell for her?
Does he grin from ear to ear and blush when he hears his lady's voice on the phone, like we smile and turn red when our man calls?
If his woman is cheating on him, does he feel it in the pit of his stomach without any proof except the tone of her voice?
What does a man feel?
How do they deal with love and pain?
Why does it seem like they have no idea what it's like to love hard and hurt?
Superheros can read minds, but I want to know how you can read a man's heart.
To know what a man is truly feeling...too see into his heart...that would be amazing.
Maybe then women wouldn't suffer so much heart break.
1. Whack DJ. If the dancefloor is empty the majority of the night, no one is really going to want to be there next week. Make sure the DJ plays a variety of new music while tossing in some old classics here and there. Allow patrons to request music and actully play it for them. And please don't play only what's on the radio. I can sit in my car and listen to that. No sense in paying $10 to go in the club when I can just parking lot pimp.
2. Non-cohesive crowds. Know what crowd you want at your club and market to them. Don't say you want a sophisticated 25+ atmosphere and invite freshly legal young'uns to events. The young crowd will think the older crowd is lame for not doing the stanky leg all night and the older crowd will be annoyed with the fights that break out between the young cats. Specialize in a specific demographic and all will be well.
3. Terrible bartenders. Make sure the bartenders make good drinks. Not saying they have to be extremely strong, but I'd like a little alcohol in my juice if you don't mind. And please inform them that we don't want to wait all night for service.
4. Rude security. If your bouncers and doormen don't know how to respect the patrons, all is lost. Sometimes those in the security industry have control issues and like to feel the need to "boss up" every chance they get. Arrogant security and drunk people never mix.
5. Male:Female ratio. If I walk into a club and there are 5 girls for every 1 guy, I'm walking right back out. I know it's almost natural to market nightlife to ladies, but don't forget about the fellas. We want to see them there too.
So feel free to comment and share your own thoughts as we go on this little blogging journey together. Thanks for stopping by and stay blessed!